Were · all · Going · to · Hell

Right now Im averaging losing about a friend every few months. Which sucks because, we all work really hard for our friendships. And sometimes Im sitting around and I think of someone who was once special to me, and I miss them really hard, but then I just tell myself I must deal with the loss. There are about 4 friends who I couldn't let this happen with. These friends, who probably don't know who they are because I am not really one for feelings and shit, I would never casually let out of my life (at this point.)

Everyday though, I feel like the color to my life is changing, its becoming incompatible with the personalities of some people. I hate hard lessons, it seems as though they are all I've been getting lately, but boy-o-boy is it a hard lesson to learn about when to leave a friend behind without looking back. I need to stop giving chances. I need to make application processes harder.

So far this break has been excellent for sleeping, playing the sims, watching TV, buying/reading books, eating icecream and cake and chips and haitian food. Other than that you can find me sitting around listening to opera,talking to myself, cleaning. LOL My sister has stopped washing her dishes. Now she leaves ALL the cleaning in the house to me. Its so funny, I wake up and there are more dishes in the sink and I know if she comes back home to her own dishes, she will complain. bah.

Tonight I was supposed to see one of my pals but I cancelled because I had an allergic reaction to god knows what on my mouth. ANd yesterday we were also supposed to go out, but lo and behold, my mother had other ideas. These are all reasonable excuses to me, but to a friend that shit is annoying regardless of how understanding you are. You know what else? I dont give a fuck.

God, lets please not make this coming year suck. Let's try something new and make it a good year. please?

Of all things, I wish I could have a shovel. ONe giant and heavy shovel, I would take it, and I would just fuck up ghandi, Martin Luther King, Mother theresa, My mom, my grandma, pretty much any one who didn't quit when they absolutely should have. Who kept going even though it was impossibly hard, and no one was there to help them. Because I want to quit more than anything in the world, but I know I would never forgive myself for not striving.

Someone kill me. ITs ok if you do it, but not ok If I do.

I know a part of my career is rejection. But It really sucks when I work so hard for it. That's the stuff quitting is made out of. Work, hard hard hard work that has no fucking benefit to reap. ANd money! so much money! I wish I could get it back! I went SUPER fucking broke to apply for this dumb ass fucking competition. and didn't even get to compete.

First the Academy of the West, now this. My heart cant take it anymore. I feel so incredibly trapped. I just want to quit and become an english teacher. That would be so much easier than working hard for nothing. How could I have so stupidly chosen this of all things? Opera? me. A fucking haitian girl born and raised in brooklyn wakes up one day and decides she wants to sing OPERA of all things.

bah!

So annoyed.

I cannot wait to be back in the communist bubble which is ithaca, Narnia, hogwarts, hell, all in one. Because anything is better than this. I learned a lot about friends this summer, became more sure about who to keep around. Most are worth cutting. I think I like my family a lot more. They are people who are genuinely interested in you, who really actually love you and want to see you and always want you to do well. If I make plans with my cousin, she will not ditch me, and if she does, she will make it up to me. SHe won't get all pissy with me and if she does, we will work it out or get over it. Except for my dad. I wish his brother were my dad. My dad is so annoying. I doubt he will ever grow tired of being such a cunt. yeah yeah, get over it, I called my dad a cunt. HE is, and I wont be angry at anyone who says it. HE's a cunt.

Monday is the day I go back and I am toootally looking forward to it. I will have spent the entire summer NOT seeing my new house, but anything is better than living here. For real.

I need to start doing drugs so that when I feel this pissed off I can have them.

YEah yeah, my grammar sucks.

I have a full time job! It consists of me watching opera on you tube all day, then going to bed pining like its no body's business. I just want to sing so badly. I feel like I'm musically backed up.

Do you remember that episode of degrassi when Spinner and Jimmy were working out, and spinner was talking about how his junk was hurting, and jimmy was all like: "that's not cool man, you should get it checked out!" and Spinner was all like "It's nothing man, I'm just a little backed up!" Then he found out he had prostate cancer. haha

One week left of this strange mix of a summer where I awkwardly dated someones boyfriend, and I completely rejected someone really hot. I always seems to make the right decisions. I got to live with my succubus aunt, which was equivalent to torture. But I also got to live in Italy for 3wks which I will always remember fondly. Then I got to work at CAP which was nice.

My ideal summer next year would be Opera works in the beginning a few weeks home then Academy of the West for 6weeks and then hme for 1week, then school again!! What a dream.

Going back into school should be interesting to say the least. I just think it is kind of funny how everyone is so musically charged right now. THey're all like: "I've been working really hard this summer." el oh el. I hate that, when people want to make a big deal of the fact that they had experience singing over the summer. It makes me feel sick inside. Everyone thinks they're an expert, but no one knows what the fuck they're talking about. I hope I can stay separated from all that nonsense. I always want to sing because I love the music and not because I want people to look at me and think I'm good. I know I have a good voice, but that doesn't mean anything if the music is not being interpreted well. I don't matter, the music matters.

eb;fb'p

I think I learned something today. Its that mostly, every relationship you will ever have outside of yourself, is insufficient. Friends always fuck up, so do men, so do parents and as much as we adore them before and after the fuck ups, they will never give us all we need from them.

Shit. We are all getting so old.

We are all full of so much love. We are just brimming with it, and always looking for someone, that perfect someone, to share this love which we have been gathering within ourselves. Harboring like the nuts in a squirrels mouth.

This love, saved bit by bit and wrapped in all the beauty we own, is the source of every passion. In this sense, love is not only good. Its imposing nature makes it equally bad. Every evil is rooted in love. Simple, unabashed and passionate love.

Why has no one said anything about my shoes today? They are ugly. They look like Moccasins which have been ripped apart. I feel like an Indian. How comes no one is making hunting water buffalo jokes?

Look I obviously bought them because I need attention. NOW GIVE ME SOME DAMMIT!!!

I have a love/hate relationship with my job. I love doing it, especially this year. but It makes me so aware that teaching elementary school? Def not for me.
I finished slaughter house 5 the other day. It was so beautiful. Now I'm reading a brave new world because some chick was selling it for a dollar on her steps. So now I think I will put off the odyssey a couple of days until I'm done with this book.

so, Im just sayin: you've gotta be one dedicated SOB to be able to go through with Anorexia. I mean, come on! I miss one meal and I'm writhing in pain and anger.

I have had ENOUGH of living in close quarters with my family. I need to be able to be away from them when I want to be.

Afro punk!!!!!

So I let someones boyfriend give me a REALLY tense/intense back massage. I mean, Ive been friends with him for years, and when all is said and done, it really wasn't that bad. I mean who cares if every times I said "lower" he replied: "how low do you want me to go" in a very insinuating tone. I didn't and will not let him go further. I still feel just a little bit dirty though. Just cause he has a girl friend. Funny though my Crazy aunt from hell today looks at me and says in her best English: "Never let dem put dem hands down there. Once dey put there hands down there you done." OMGWTFBBQROTFFLMFAO.

SO I can't sleep because I can't share a bed anymore. This temporary living situation sucks! I'm bored.

Italy was weird because after being in a house with like 8 girls who were all blond and pretty and wouldn't talk to me, with about 15 different girly magazines(vogue,Allure, cosmo, etc) laid out on the table for all to read, I began to get a weird feeling. Like the way it really feels to be the odd one out. Im OBVIOUSLY not blond, but even more so, I dont look like anyone in any of those magazines. I mean, being surrounded with an image of beauty which is CLEARLY dissonant with who you are can start to fuck with your head. None of those girls were outright mean to me. In their own way, they were all nice. But they planned group dinners in our kitchen without me. They took group outings and avoided letting me know about them. I dont think its that they didn't like me, they just didn't see me as someone who, based on 1wk of knowing, they could have enough things in common with. I was judged, and I feel like there is no way around the fact as much as it pains me to admit it, based on a few unavoidable details about who I am.

Its like this: no one was outright saying to me that I didn't fit in, or that I wasn't welcome, but if we were all sitting together, I'd be surprised if someone would try to include me in the convo. And I'm really outgoing and friendly.

I want to move to Barbados.

After a while I began to hang out with other people in the program, but I still can't forget what it was like to feel so separate.

Italy also taught me how to eat nutella with a knife, straight from the Jar.

I no longer live in Murda Mill aka Mill basin. I Live in Far Rockaway now. currently Im staying with my aunt in the same hood until we can get a closing date from the house.

Im jetlagged like a mutherfuker.

When I was in Jr high, I used to get hit on all the time. Its disturbing when I think about it, but true. Dudes loved me. Then I got into high school and for a while dudes didnt say much to me. Then college came and for the first two years they were very sporadic with it. but Now? OMG I dont know what happened this year but guys love me again. White, Black, Spanish, they stop and stare, and say something. I like it, but still have no idea how to handle it. I have to remember what I used to do in Jr High. Apparently, I'm pretty again.

I got lost in my new hood today. I walked until i got to an empty lot and realized I had walked too far and then turned around and then realized I forgot where my aunts house was haha. Im TIREDDDD!!!!!!

I miss how brooklyn felt. Queens is a weird place, though my neighborhood is mixed to the t! I LOVE it. We have asian neighbors! I keep seeing assorted minority groups living together in harmony and it makes me happy.

I think someone is upstairs....

Going crazy on stage-losing control-is not what I do. My roots with gospel don't go that far. I started singing it in High School. I did it because it was easy for me to pull off. So why suddenly did I become the go to gospel gal in Ithaca? In this place, I guess that's easily answered. So, Monday night, I was asked to sing for the MLK concert in my school. The name of the song was "Nia" (purpose). I connected to it, unlike anything Ive ever felt onstage before. My heart warmed into sound, and I unexpectedly and very unintentionally, damn near caught the spirit on stage.

Let me tell you, expressing emotion before that concert was not an easy task even when alone. It felt like my heart was crusting over. Monday allowed me to connect with myself and the people in my school in an incredible way. I somehow feel closer to everyone. I feel as if I shared something really important and personal with them all. I left the stage and marveled at the tears in my eyes. I am so blessed.

The next day was to be auditions for a competition to sing a full length aria with the orchestra. I figured that since I had been doing some real rough shit with my voice the night before, perhaps I shouldn't get my hopes up?

I went out there, and just sang. It wasn't a competition anymore,it was a performance. It was not just good, it was alive. So, I made it to the next round. I beat Diana Yourke, and so many other great singers in my school. I don't think I'm better than they are. So many things go into making a competition. I just feel so blessed to be able to go from singing one style of music to another, receiving very encouraging comments along the way.

wow.

Remember sh'tara? Amazing voice pegan fat girl from murrow?

Totally not fat anymore...courtesy of a an eating disorder. I mean...she looks great but I guess that means nothing if you purge so much that you lose your BABY.

Damn son. and I thought I had issues. In any case, All this stuff is blatantly posted on her Myspace for all to see. I remember how in highSchool she had her little clan of followers and I thought she was comfortable being who she was. I guess we all have the ability to feel completely opposite from what we project to others.

I am filling the sink with gray water.Everyday is another languorous sadness and finals finals finals finals finals. And somehow I suck it up and go. I have no idea how. Here, look, I'm displaying my chip for all to see. Isn't it fine? Heavy and jagged Alabaster propped up on my back. And regardless of how close my knees get to the floor, I do what it takes to keep trudging.

Leaving Ithaca is always a little like waking up from a strange dream that leaves you pensive the whole day through. I can't wait to open my eyes, though you may not recognize them when I do.